Of all the Greek gods, I might as well align myself to Janus. I too am a person with a duality. I can choose to face the opposite sides of the extremes.
While I try hard to be Mr All Loving and Giving, there is a part of me who wants to just Don't Give a Fuck about all the goodness and just be a total dickhead.
This is a constant struggle with me. I am basically walking on a midway between these 2 polarities.
While I want to hold on to a relationship, I secretly yearn to be free. While I do genuinely care for others, I am a pretty selfish person.
I am pretty much a stimulus-response person when comes to a relationship.
Brb...
Therefore to me [] is a potential pleasure and a potential pain. I am very wary of that. It is better to get out of a painful relationship than to prolong the pain.
Pain and pleasure is like an accounting ledger. As long as there is the pleasure [] exceed the pain, then the relationship is worthwhile. That is quite obvious. However if there is no pain but no pleasure either, the relationship is worthless, isn't it?
That is exactly my relationship with Els. It is an even keel. Except when she cried on the day I said goodbye.
Unless I treat the whole thing as a past time and not have any expectation, it is a wasted effort.
What do you think Sarah? Should I attend to her or should I just get on with my life? So far my pleasure is I got to reach out for the goodness in me. I can do the same thing when I'm with you.
As a giver I keep on giving but if she doesn't appreciate my gifts. I might as well indulge in my own pleasure .
I think I am ready to move on. Remember what Miyamoto Musashi said, "Do nothing that is of no use".
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